On mothering

Recently my thoughts have been focused on my role as a mother surrounding the imposition of my upcoming transition. I have settled into my role as a temporary stay-at-home mom quite nicely and my return to work is a bit daunting.

Before Caris' arrival I was unsure as to how I might feel in this role and in my skills to fulfill it successfully. But the moment I arrived home with our little girl, I felt such an assured sense of purpose. Mothering became the most instinctual, purposeful, and fulfilling role I have ever undertaken. Looking back, I believe this feeling actually occurred early on in my pregnancy and was heightened and placed into reality when Caris was born. It quite surprised me, actually, to feel so at peace at what I was doing and so certain of my role. What a true blessing, to be a mother to a child.

My new role is evidenced on my bedside table that now holds bedtime books, pacifiers, burp clothes, and a baby monitor. There is olfactory proof as my perfume is usually overpowered by the potent combination of sweet baby smell, spit-up, milk, and diapers. I rarely appear without my little one in tow and diaper bag in hand and when I happen to be without my girl, it is usually clear that I had little time to put effort into getting myself ready. The thing that has amazed me is how effortlessly these changes have made their way into my life. I have experienced first hand how putting your child first becomes something you do every minute of every day; without conscious thought or second glance.

What is even more amazing is I see it demonstrated still in my own mother and mother-in-law as they continue to put the needs of their now adult children first. I never fully understood how many little ways this occurs, and I am sure I will continue to learn what this means as we continue on our journey (especially when the teenage years come about). But it spans from ensuring your daughters have everything they need to get ready while forgetting to do your own hair to driving in the middle of the night to be with her child at the hospital to loving them when they make big mistakes and sharing in their joy although you can't be with them. It is staying up later and waking up earlier than everyone else to make sure your home is a happy one. It is waking up every two hours to provide comfort, patiently nursing your two week old for the 14th time that day, comforting her tears when neither of you know the source, and crying for hours at the thought of having to be away from all of that for 9 hours of the day.

And it is knowing that my role of mother will always be close to my heart, no matter where I am.

I have loved every second of our time together the past 12 weeks. It has been a sacred time, one that I am so grateful I had the opportunity to experience. And although it will be hard for me to be away and I will miss seeing her sweet face, I know, that again, it is part of mothering, in putting her needs before mine. It is preparing her to be independent, to experience more than I can offer her, and to provide for her needs financially. It is not always easy, this new role. To know what is best, to know what is good. Sometimes what is best is stepping behind when you really want to step forward. It is doing the behind the scenes work, the dirty work, so that others can experience the joy and doing so with a joyful heart. I am so thankful for the examples I have to follow; two selfless woman who would truly give anything for their children and the love of a Savior who displayed the ultimate meaning of sacrifice for his children. I am continuing to seek the best way for my work world and mother world to meld and will do so earnestly. I hope that when I find the answer, I have the courage to fulfill it.

And along the way I will cherish the times I spend with Caris and seek to learn my new role the best that I can. I will partner with the one my daughter knows as Father and together we will embark on the journey of parenthood. And I will take comfort in and give thanks for the fact that Mother is something that I will now and forever be.