Adaptation

Well, I made it through Day One back at work.

My emotions were plentiful.

In some ways, I was excited to be back at my job; to see my co-workers, be back in the hospital, and to feel contributory/mildly productive.

In most ways, I missed my baby girl.

The transition is rough, as to be expected. I hear it gets easier with time and I do believe that. But I missed our daytime together, and I think I always will. Missed teaching her, reading to her, listening to music, taking walks outside, and seeing her sweet face all day. I missed being home, in our little world, living life on our terms. That is hard, and I think always will be.

However, I have to be honest and say that it wasn't as bad as I expected. I was definitely teary several times yesterday (and already again today) but it didn't elevate to the point where I felt depressed. Which I had feared it might. The actual act of leaving Caris was alright; I didn't break down. Which I had feared I might.

But I did miss her. Which I knew I would.

I think yesterday was actually easier than today. I have been almost solely responsible for Caris' daily care for the past 90 days and it was kind of nice to have someone else take on that role for a little bit. Caris is a very active, spirited little one and she truly keeps me busy almost all day long at home. I kind of needed a day away to get things done! Yesterday Caris woke up at 4:00 a.m and I fed her so I was able to feed her again at 7:00 before I left for work. She is so happy and smiley and giggly in the mornings and I was able to experience that for a good bit before I had to leave. Garrett also got home early so he and Caris picked me up a little early from work and I was able to get home and nurse her.

We are so lucky to have Grammy Jane helping out this week and that definitely makes the transition so much easier. I know she is in great hands and I don't have to worry about anything. She also comes to our house so I don't have to getCaris ready and packed up for day care yet. My mom is also going to help keep Caris until her day care starts August 1st, so that will help me ease into this new daily routine. I am truly so excited that Caris will get to spend some one-on-one time with her Grandmas. She has the two best grandmas in the world and is such a lucky little lady!

All those things helped. I felt like I got to spend a good amount of time with her overall and I have been with her so much that it felt alright

So yesterday kind of felt like a temporary break. All in all, yesterday was okay.

Today it is sinking in that this arrangement has more permanence. I already feel the distance and I fear it will only get worse. Today Caris slept until 5:45 (which is great news in the sleep department) but I wasn't able to nurse her again before I left and I put her back to sleep so I didn't get to spend much time with her this morning. I can already sense that doing this 5 days a week will be rough. I am preoccupied with thoughts of Caris and concerns over what I should do. I miss her. And it is hard to think I will be away from her this long every day.

But we are adapting. As with all stages, phases, changes in life, it will take time. But as we have realized with previous life changes, we will make it work. And I am hopeful it will work well. And although at times I don't know how I will manage working full-time, caring for an infant, keeping up my house, being a wife, and being me, I know I will adapt. We will function and find a way to thrive. Garrett has demonstrated this in his ability to continue living life post-call and in working 36 hours at a time. We have seen that however busy or tiring life gets, you adapt. Life is still fullfilling and enjoyable.

I am soaking up every second we are together as a family and loving that it is quality time. I know that it is important for me to remain joyful in our current circumstances. Dwelling on the negative is not enjoyable and interferes on the times we do have together. I am grateful that we are able to provide Caris with a loving home. I am thankful for the support of our families. I am glad that I do have a job in a time when many do not.

I feel true joy the second I see my sweet girl's little face. All the fears, frustration, sadness disappears. So I will pray for a continued joyful heart. It is easy to maintain when we have been given so much. What a blessing Caris is to us and that brings me true joy.

And we will adapt to our new world.